Papa Got A Brand New Box
It has finally happened...
12-25-2006
R.I.P.
Monday, September 18, 2006
The Perils of Your Clothing At Work
Anyone's job is chock full of excitement. There are your deadlines, clients and customers demanding attention, bosses and managers with their own requests. But it's your clothes and what happens to them that can actually ruin your day.
I remember my very first day on the sales floor. There was electricity in the air as I was ready to sell my first car. I had a client that was looking for an SUV, so I showed him what we had and went on a test drive. As I climbed into the vehicle, I felt something rip. I could feel a draft. Oh no!
I had managed to tear the area of my pants kind of between my crotch and my butt. Through the cunning use of angles, I was able to hide my assets from the customer and everyone else. I managed to find my sales manager, explained my predicament, and promptly left the dealership to aquire a new pair of pants. No, I did not sell that customer a car.
Lunch time is also a dangerous thing. Even careful eaters like myself can tempt the Fates. They enjoy manipulating gravity so you end up wearing your lunch as opposed to just eating it.
I went to the refrigerator in the breakroom to retrieve my lunch. In order to eat healthier and save some money, I make my lunch every single day. Usually, my lunch consists of two sandwiches, a delicious Coca Cola, and a granola bar. As I opened the fridge door, I noticed that there was a bottle of mayonnaise.
Now eating healthy, I do not actually own any mayonnaise. Why not treat myself with some free, delicious mayo on my turkey sandwiches? So I grabbed the bottle and shook it up. I was about to squirt it onto my sandwiches when a thought struck me. This wasn't my mayonnaise - was it actually still good? I decided to give it a sniff. The Fates decided that this was the perfect time to test me.
The bottle of mayonnaise, Hellman's to be precise, exploded in my face. There was mayo on my glasses. There was mayo in my nose. There was mayo on the crotch of my khaki pants. Some even managed to find its way onto my sandwiches.
After scooping mayo out of my nose, off of my glasses, face, and clothes, I finshed my lunch. I looked down to my crotch and realized that I was in serious trouble. Mayonnaise has oil in it - you cannot wipe it off. Mayonnaise on khaki cotton, especially on your crotch, looks like fresh urine. I looked like I had an accident in the bathroom.
Once again, through the careful use of angles and the careful positioning of my lunch bag, I was able to make good my escape to my car. No one noticed the conspicuous spots on my pants or had to contemplate whether I had problems with incontinence or being housebroken.
Thankfully, with the nearby toll roads and the blessing of Our Lady of Fast Acceleration, I was able to make it home in time to change and make it back without being late. Let's hear it for one hour lunch breaks.
That's not the only lunch disaster I've had. I had to return to my old stomping ground of Orlando for some training. I was happy to see that there was a Chipotle in the immediate vicinity. For it was there that I would be enjoying a delicious lunch of a tasty burrito.
My shirt was a gleaming white. I admired it in the noon day sun - doing laundry is something that I am really good at and actually enjoy. I waited in line thinking of what deliciousness I would take part in that day. I got my burrito and as I sat in my seat, I noticed a rather attractive lady who worked for the same company. "Why, hello," I thought to myself. The burrito looked so tasty. Then it happened.
With the very first bite, a tasty combination of black beans and perfectly seasoned steak managed to both fall on my formerly gleaming white shirt and once again, on my crotch! I am apparently big in the lap.
I decided to act like nothing happened and finished my lunch. The cutie had her back to me, so no one but me knew what had just transpired. Rubbing the stain on my crotch seemed like a really bad idea in such a public place.
I looked out the door and saw that there was a Walgreen's right in the parking lot. Fortune had smiled upon me. For one of the greatest inventions ever made laid in wait inside - The Tide To Go stain stick. I bought one and in the privacy of my own car with darkly, tinted windows, dabbed the miracle stain remover on my shirt and crotch. With the combination of the greenhouse effect and direct sunlight, the wet spots dried and I was safe. The accident never happened.
So, as you can see, your clothing can make you or break you at work. With the advent of the Tide To Go pen and stain fighter clothing, the workplace is just a little safer. Too bad there isn't a Chipotle by where I work now.
Anyone's job is chock full of excitement. There are your deadlines, clients and customers demanding attention, bosses and managers with their own requests. But it's your clothes and what happens to them that can actually ruin your day.
I remember my very first day on the sales floor. There was electricity in the air as I was ready to sell my first car. I had a client that was looking for an SUV, so I showed him what we had and went on a test drive. As I climbed into the vehicle, I felt something rip. I could feel a draft. Oh no!
I had managed to tear the area of my pants kind of between my crotch and my butt. Through the cunning use of angles, I was able to hide my assets from the customer and everyone else. I managed to find my sales manager, explained my predicament, and promptly left the dealership to aquire a new pair of pants. No, I did not sell that customer a car.
Lunch time is also a dangerous thing. Even careful eaters like myself can tempt the Fates. They enjoy manipulating gravity so you end up wearing your lunch as opposed to just eating it.
I went to the refrigerator in the breakroom to retrieve my lunch. In order to eat healthier and save some money, I make my lunch every single day. Usually, my lunch consists of two sandwiches, a delicious Coca Cola, and a granola bar. As I opened the fridge door, I noticed that there was a bottle of mayonnaise.
Now eating healthy, I do not actually own any mayonnaise. Why not treat myself with some free, delicious mayo on my turkey sandwiches? So I grabbed the bottle and shook it up. I was about to squirt it onto my sandwiches when a thought struck me. This wasn't my mayonnaise - was it actually still good? I decided to give it a sniff. The Fates decided that this was the perfect time to test me.
The bottle of mayonnaise, Hellman's to be precise, exploded in my face. There was mayo on my glasses. There was mayo in my nose. There was mayo on the crotch of my khaki pants. Some even managed to find its way onto my sandwiches.
After scooping mayo out of my nose, off of my glasses, face, and clothes, I finshed my lunch. I looked down to my crotch and realized that I was in serious trouble. Mayonnaise has oil in it - you cannot wipe it off. Mayonnaise on khaki cotton, especially on your crotch, looks like fresh urine. I looked like I had an accident in the bathroom.
Once again, through the careful use of angles and the careful positioning of my lunch bag, I was able to make good my escape to my car. No one noticed the conspicuous spots on my pants or had to contemplate whether I had problems with incontinence or being housebroken.
Thankfully, with the nearby toll roads and the blessing of Our Lady of Fast Acceleration, I was able to make it home in time to change and make it back without being late. Let's hear it for one hour lunch breaks.
That's not the only lunch disaster I've had. I had to return to my old stomping ground of Orlando for some training. I was happy to see that there was a Chipotle in the immediate vicinity. For it was there that I would be enjoying a delicious lunch of a tasty burrito.
My shirt was a gleaming white. I admired it in the noon day sun - doing laundry is something that I am really good at and actually enjoy. I waited in line thinking of what deliciousness I would take part in that day. I got my burrito and as I sat in my seat, I noticed a rather attractive lady who worked for the same company. "Why, hello," I thought to myself. The burrito looked so tasty. Then it happened.
With the very first bite, a tasty combination of black beans and perfectly seasoned steak managed to both fall on my formerly gleaming white shirt and once again, on my crotch! I am apparently big in the lap.
I decided to act like nothing happened and finished my lunch. The cutie had her back to me, so no one but me knew what had just transpired. Rubbing the stain on my crotch seemed like a really bad idea in such a public place.
I looked out the door and saw that there was a Walgreen's right in the parking lot. Fortune had smiled upon me. For one of the greatest inventions ever made laid in wait inside - The Tide To Go stain stick. I bought one and in the privacy of my own car with darkly, tinted windows, dabbed the miracle stain remover on my shirt and crotch. With the combination of the greenhouse effect and direct sunlight, the wet spots dried and I was safe. The accident never happened.
So, as you can see, your clothing can make you or break you at work. With the advent of the Tide To Go pen and stain fighter clothing, the workplace is just a little safer. Too bad there isn't a Chipotle by where I work now.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Thank Goodness For the Return of Football Season
While there are many sports that I enjoy watching, I particularly enjoy football season. There is something special about powerful, angry men trying to cripple one another on every play. My team, the Oakland Raiders, are considered to be the most vicious of the bunch.
They are simply the most penalized team every season. In their heyday in the 70s, they were the team that all the others dreaded playing because win or lose, there was a heavy physical price to pay. The Raiders were the best team in the league, despite being chock full of outcasts, rebels, miscreants, and players considered past their prime. Their maverick leader was and still remains the notorious Al Davis.
With their winning seasons behind them, Al Davis had enough and rehired Raider great Art Shell as the team's coach. Shell, a Hall of Fame offensive lineman and eternal badass, will show the Raiders of the current generation what "Commitment to Excellence" truly means.
Al Davis put it succinctly, "We will come back. I say to the Raider players, to the Raider fans, to the Raider ex-players and even to the press, we’ll get that back. It may take us a short while but we’ll get that nastiness of the Raiders back."
God help you other 31 teams.
While there are many sports that I enjoy watching, I particularly enjoy football season. There is something special about powerful, angry men trying to cripple one another on every play. My team, the Oakland Raiders, are considered to be the most vicious of the bunch.
They are simply the most penalized team every season. In their heyday in the 70s, they were the team that all the others dreaded playing because win or lose, there was a heavy physical price to pay. The Raiders were the best team in the league, despite being chock full of outcasts, rebels, miscreants, and players considered past their prime. Their maverick leader was and still remains the notorious Al Davis.
With their winning seasons behind them, Al Davis had enough and rehired Raider great Art Shell as the team's coach. Shell, a Hall of Fame offensive lineman and eternal badass, will show the Raiders of the current generation what "Commitment to Excellence" truly means.
Al Davis put it succinctly, "We will come back. I say to the Raider players, to the Raider fans, to the Raider ex-players and even to the press, we’ll get that back. It may take us a short while but we’ll get that nastiness of the Raiders back."
God help you other 31 teams.
Monday, July 17, 2006
The Summer of '96
It was ten years ago that TWA flight 800 crashed off the coast of Long Island. At the time, I was studying in Italy and my summer there was coming to an end. I, along with the rest of the students, were to be leaving in a few weeks and the announcement that an American plane crashing, possibly due to terrorism, was quite disheartening.
Very little information was available to us. The American newspaper we could get our hands on were old issues of USA Today. There were reports that it was a bomb or a missile. Whatever it was, it wasn't something that you wanted to think about as you had to head across an ocean. I had images of hijackers and explosions.
Fortunately for me, by sheer coincidence, my flight back was with two guys I had met in Italy whose fraternity I joined when I got back to America. We laughed and joked the whole way back. TWA flight 800 and all those people that died became just a memory.
It was ten years ago that TWA flight 800 crashed off the coast of Long Island. At the time, I was studying in Italy and my summer there was coming to an end. I, along with the rest of the students, were to be leaving in a few weeks and the announcement that an American plane crashing, possibly due to terrorism, was quite disheartening.
Very little information was available to us. The American newspaper we could get our hands on were old issues of USA Today. There were reports that it was a bomb or a missile. Whatever it was, it wasn't something that you wanted to think about as you had to head across an ocean. I had images of hijackers and explosions.
Fortunately for me, by sheer coincidence, my flight back was with two guys I had met in Italy whose fraternity I joined when I got back to America. We laughed and joked the whole way back. TWA flight 800 and all those people that died became just a memory.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
The Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
I have been working ever so dilligently ay my job and have been unable to post for some time. Many things have happened since my last post. I was in NYC and had quite a few adventures. I got to assemble all of my best friends there.
Also, in my absence, a number of people have contacted me trying to either purchase this blogger address or have me give it to them. Sorry, but no. There can be only one.
I have been working ever so dilligently ay my job and have been unable to post for some time. Many things have happened since my last post. I was in NYC and had quite a few adventures. I got to assemble all of my best friends there.
Also, in my absence, a number of people have contacted me trying to either purchase this blogger address or have me give it to them. Sorry, but no. There can be only one.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Funny Girl - The Face of Stupidity
Babs
Hack intellectual, Barbara Streisand, has apparently struck again. Since she has a new album coming out, she had to get her name out there by appearing on television in an interview with Diane Sawyer. When most celebrities open their mouths, either lunacy or stupidity vomits forth. Streisand shared her feelings on global warming and how that is what is the direct cause of these powerful hurricanes.
"We are in a global warming emergency state, and these storms are going to become more frequent, more intense," Streisand urgently declares.
But Sawyer did not remind Streisand that a Category 5 hurricane struck the Bahamas with 160 mph winds -- when the singer was five years old, in 1947!
And when Streisand was 8 years old, a Cat 5 hurricane -- named "Dog" -- packing 185 mph churned-away in the Atlantic.
When she was 9, a Cat 5 storm named "Easy" ripped the seas with 160 mph sustained winds.
Streisand was 13 years old when "Janet" hit Mexico with 150 mph winds.
Streisand was celebrating her sweet sixteen as "Cleo" formed with 140 mph.
At 18, Streisand read news about "Donna" AND "Ethel" -- both storms carried 140 mph winds and formed 9 days apart in 1960!
One year later, when Streisand was 19, it happened again: Two Category 5 storms scared the world: "Carla" and "Hattie!"
"Carla" maxed out at 175 mph winds the year Streisand made her television debut on "The Jack Paar Show."
And who could forget Hurricane "Camille" -- which smashed into the United States with 190 mph, just as "Funny Girl" garners eight Academy Award nominations, including one for Best Picture and one for Barbra as Best Actress.
Up next on the weather warning watch, Streisand says to ABC: "There could be more droughts, dust bowls. You know, it's amazing to hear these facts."
Streisand has her own blog, replete with numerous spelling errors, to share her feelings on other matters close to her heart, politics. As if she didn't sound mental when she shared those ideas, she now graces the world with more misinformed crap. I loved when John McCain appeared on SNL and sang Streisand tunes in a truly awful way. "Horrible isn't it?" he said, "Kind of like when celebrities tell me how to do my job." Please Babs, just sing your songs and shut up.
Hack intellectual, Barbara Streisand, has apparently struck again. Since she has a new album coming out, she had to get her name out there by appearing on television in an interview with Diane Sawyer. When most celebrities open their mouths, either lunacy or stupidity vomits forth. Streisand shared her feelings on global warming and how that is what is the direct cause of these powerful hurricanes.
"We are in a global warming emergency state, and these storms are going to become more frequent, more intense," Streisand urgently declares.
But Sawyer did not remind Streisand that a Category 5 hurricane struck the Bahamas with 160 mph winds -- when the singer was five years old, in 1947!
And when Streisand was 8 years old, a Cat 5 hurricane -- named "Dog" -- packing 185 mph churned-away in the Atlantic.
When she was 9, a Cat 5 storm named "Easy" ripped the seas with 160 mph sustained winds.
Streisand was 13 years old when "Janet" hit Mexico with 150 mph winds.
Streisand was celebrating her sweet sixteen as "Cleo" formed with 140 mph.
At 18, Streisand read news about "Donna" AND "Ethel" -- both storms carried 140 mph winds and formed 9 days apart in 1960!
One year later, when Streisand was 19, it happened again: Two Category 5 storms scared the world: "Carla" and "Hattie!"
"Carla" maxed out at 175 mph winds the year Streisand made her television debut on "The Jack Paar Show."
And who could forget Hurricane "Camille" -- which smashed into the United States with 190 mph, just as "Funny Girl" garners eight Academy Award nominations, including one for Best Picture and one for Barbra as Best Actress.
Up next on the weather warning watch, Streisand says to ABC: "There could be more droughts, dust bowls. You know, it's amazing to hear these facts."
Streisand has her own blog, replete with numerous spelling errors, to share her feelings on other matters close to her heart, politics. As if she didn't sound mental when she shared those ideas, she now graces the world with more misinformed crap. I loved when John McCain appeared on SNL and sang Streisand tunes in a truly awful way. "Horrible isn't it?" he said, "Kind of like when celebrities tell me how to do my job." Please Babs, just sing your songs and shut up.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Tom Cruise Has Officially Lost It
Once upon a time, there was an actor named Tom Cruise. Despite being marginally talented, untraditionally handsome, allegedly straight, and a midget, he went on to become the undisputed king of the box office. He started off in mediocre films like The Outsiders and Taps and then went on to capture glory in such films as Risky Business and Rain Man.
Tommy
His success continued into the 90s. Everything he touched turned to cinematic gold. Cruise could play the full range of comedy roles, to drama, to action hero, such as his action franchise Mission Impossible. The film Jerry Maguire captured Tom Cruise at his pinnacle. He took a rather unlikable, slimy sports agent and made everyone love him. Tom Cruise grinned his way through yet another movie.
The new millennium has not been so kind to Tommy, as Rosie O'Donnell would lovingly refer to him. His marriage to Nicole Kidman had crumbled and his next ladylove, Penelope Cruz, left him after four years. He made several movies that just didn't have the impact of his previous works: Eyes Wide Shut, Magnolia("Respect the cock!"), Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, and Collateral(he played an assassin of all things) as examples.
He made a film called The Last Samurai and it was critically acclaimed. He played a disenchanted Civil War veteran who traveled to Japan to train the emperor's troops to protect the emperor from his former bodyguards, the samurais. Tom Cruise goes from being a Westerner to a samurai. This was a bit much for many observers. All in all a good film, yet it still did not have that Tom Cruise magic.
Tom's latest movie, War Of The Worlds, is upon us. Coincidentally, his whirlwind romance with Katie Holmes has reached a fever pitch and they have announced their engagement. Tom's declaration of his love for this woman has absolutely destroyed his image with him acting nothing short of a Rain Man on Oprah. The man was jumping all over Oprah's couch and pounding his fist on the floor. It gave everyone in the world pause, Tommy had lost his mind.
Oh, Tom
Many critics feel that this relationship was a publicity stunt to draw attention to each of their films. Holmes is starring in the latest Batman film, Batman Begins. A sequel to the great movie has been announced and all of the actors with the exception of Holmes were invited back to reprise their roles. The producers stated that they wanted to go with a stronger actress.
The story of Tommy's descent into madness goes farther. He either cannot or will not refuse to give interviews. He insulted Brooke Shields' belief in psychiatry and prescription drug use for her post partum depression. He was the victim of a prank at the London premier of War Of The Worlds where the pranksters squirted him in the face with a joke microphone. Then he further humiliated himself on NBC's Today Show.
Cruise actually got into an argument with host Matt Lauer on the "pseudoscience" of psychiatry. The topic of Brooke Shields was brought up and Cruise repeated his feelings of her situation. He felt that there was no such thing as chemical imbalance and that mental health can be maintained through various things like exercise and vitamins.
A transcript of the interview is as follows:
LAUER: TOM CRUISE CREATED A FIRESTORM WHEN HE CRITICIZED BROOKE SHIELDS FOR REVEALING THAT SHE WENT INTO THERAPY AND TOOK ANTIDEPRESSANTS TO DEAL WITH HER POST PARTUM DEPRESSION. AS A SCIENTOLGIST, HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN PSYCHIATRIC MEDICINE. I ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS COMMENTS.
CRUISE: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when i started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why i didn't believe in psychology.
And as far as the Brooke Shields thing is, look. You gotta understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I-- I think here's a-- a-- a wonderful and talented woman. And-- I wanna see her do well. And I know that-- psychiatry is-- is a pseudo science.
MATT LAUER: But-- but Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressant or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?
TOM CRUISE: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people (PH), okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol (PH) is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?
MATT LAUER: The difference is--
(OVERTALK)
TOM CRUISE: No, no, Matt.
MATT LAUER: This wasn't against her will, though.
TOM CRUISE: Matt-- Matt, Matt, Matt--
MATT LAUER: But this wasn't against her will.
TOM CRUISE: Matt, I'm-- Matt, I'm asking you a question.
MATT LAUER: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
TOM CRUISE: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.
MATT LAUER: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?
TOM CRUISE: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
(OVERTALK)
MATT LAUER: So, postpartum depression to you is--
TOM CRUISE: Matt--
MATT LAUER: --kind of a--
TOM CRUISE: --don't--
MATT LAUER: --little psychological gook--
TOM CRUISE: That--
MATT LAUER: --googley-gook?
TOM CRUISE: --no. No. I did not say that.
MATT LAUER: I'm just asking what you-- what would you call it?
TOM CRUISE: No. No. Abs-- Matt, that is-- the-- post-- now-- now, you're talking about two different things.
MATT LAUER: But that's what she went on the--
TOM CRUISE: No.
MATT LAUER: --antidepressant for.
TOM CRUISE: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.
MATT LAUER: But a little bit what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.
TOM CRUISE: No, no, I'm not.
MATT LAUER: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?
TOM CRUISE: I-- I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that promoting for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?
MATT LAUER: No. You absolutely can.
TOM CRUISE: I know. But-- but Matt, you're going in and saying that-- that I can't discuss this.
MATT LAUER: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that-- do-- do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock--
TOM CRUISE: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.
MATT LAUER: I'm just saying. But-- but aren't there--
TOM CRUISE: Matt.
MATT LAUER: --examples where it works?
TOM CRUISE: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even-- you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay. That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's-- where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?
MATT LAUER: You're-- you're-- it's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And-- and you know the subject.
TOM CRUISE: And you should.
MATT LAUER: And-- and--
TOM CRUISE: And you should do that also.
MATT LAUER: And--
TOM CRUISE: Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really--
MATT LAUER: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking--
TOM CRUISE: Well--
MATT LAUER: --anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying--
(OVERTALK)
TOM CRUISE: Well, you are. You're saying--
MATT LAUER: I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.
TOM CRUISE: I-- but you're saying-- but you-- like-- this is a very important issue.
MATT LAUER: I couldn't agree more.
TOM CRUISE: It's very-- and you know what? You're here on the Today Show.
MATT LAUER: Right.
TOM CRUISE: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.
MATT LAUER: But--
TOM CRUISE: Because you-- you communicate to people.
MATT LAUER: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.
TOM CRUISE: What do you mean by that?
MATT LAUER: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you I've lived with these people and they're better.
TOM CRUISE: So, you're-- you're advocating it.
MATT LAUER: I am not. I'm telling you in their case-- (LAUGHTER)
(OVERTALK)
MATT LAUER: In their individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say--
TOM CRUISE: Matt--
MATT LAUER: --"Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all--
TOM CRUISE: Matt, Matt.
MATT LAUER: --and the end-all."
TOM CRUISE: Matt, but here's the point. what is the ideal scene for life
TOM CRUISE: Okay. Ideal scene is someone not having to take anti-psychotic drugs.
MATT LAUER: I would agree.
TOM CRUISE: Okay. So, now you look at-- and you go okay. A-- a departure from that ideal scene is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?
MATT LAUER: Let me take this more general, 'cause I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And i respect your opinion ...
MATT LAUER: Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Is that-- would that be a goal of yours?
TOM CRUISE: You know what? I-- absolutely. Of course, you know. And people--
MATT LAUER: How do you go about that?
TOM CRUISE: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's-- okay, if I wanna know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can-- I can come to an opinion based on-- on the information that I have.
MATT LAUER: You-- you're so passionate about it. And I'm--
TOM CRUISE: I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life, Matt.
END OF INTERVIEW
There's no telling how successful this War Of The Worlds film will be. The one guarantee is that the star that is Cruise's career, much like his reputation, will never burn as bright. The sad thing is, Cruise doesn't realize the more he talks, the more damage he does to himself. Maybe the universal rule of movie theatres is something that Cruise should observe rather than the scriptures of his Scientology - Silence Is Golden.
Once upon a time, there was an actor named Tom Cruise. Despite being marginally talented, untraditionally handsome, allegedly straight, and a midget, he went on to become the undisputed king of the box office. He started off in mediocre films like The Outsiders and Taps and then went on to capture glory in such films as Risky Business and Rain Man.
His success continued into the 90s. Everything he touched turned to cinematic gold. Cruise could play the full range of comedy roles, to drama, to action hero, such as his action franchise Mission Impossible. The film Jerry Maguire captured Tom Cruise at his pinnacle. He took a rather unlikable, slimy sports agent and made everyone love him. Tom Cruise grinned his way through yet another movie.
The new millennium has not been so kind to Tommy, as Rosie O'Donnell would lovingly refer to him. His marriage to Nicole Kidman had crumbled and his next ladylove, Penelope Cruz, left him after four years. He made several movies that just didn't have the impact of his previous works: Eyes Wide Shut, Magnolia("Respect the cock!"), Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, and Collateral(he played an assassin of all things) as examples.
He made a film called The Last Samurai and it was critically acclaimed. He played a disenchanted Civil War veteran who traveled to Japan to train the emperor's troops to protect the emperor from his former bodyguards, the samurais. Tom Cruise goes from being a Westerner to a samurai. This was a bit much for many observers. All in all a good film, yet it still did not have that Tom Cruise magic.
Tom's latest movie, War Of The Worlds, is upon us. Coincidentally, his whirlwind romance with Katie Holmes has reached a fever pitch and they have announced their engagement. Tom's declaration of his love for this woman has absolutely destroyed his image with him acting nothing short of a Rain Man on Oprah. The man was jumping all over Oprah's couch and pounding his fist on the floor. It gave everyone in the world pause, Tommy had lost his mind.
Many critics feel that this relationship was a publicity stunt to draw attention to each of their films. Holmes is starring in the latest Batman film, Batman Begins. A sequel to the great movie has been announced and all of the actors with the exception of Holmes were invited back to reprise their roles. The producers stated that they wanted to go with a stronger actress.
The story of Tommy's descent into madness goes farther. He either cannot or will not refuse to give interviews. He insulted Brooke Shields' belief in psychiatry and prescription drug use for her post partum depression. He was the victim of a prank at the London premier of War Of The Worlds where the pranksters squirted him in the face with a joke microphone. Then he further humiliated himself on NBC's Today Show.
Cruise actually got into an argument with host Matt Lauer on the "pseudoscience" of psychiatry. The topic of Brooke Shields was brought up and Cruise repeated his feelings of her situation. He felt that there was no such thing as chemical imbalance and that mental health can be maintained through various things like exercise and vitamins.
A transcript of the interview is as follows:
LAUER: TOM CRUISE CREATED A FIRESTORM WHEN HE CRITICIZED BROOKE SHIELDS FOR REVEALING THAT SHE WENT INTO THERAPY AND TOOK ANTIDEPRESSANTS TO DEAL WITH HER POST PARTUM DEPRESSION. AS A SCIENTOLGIST, HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN PSYCHIATRIC MEDICINE. I ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS COMMENTS.
CRUISE: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when i started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why i didn't believe in psychology.
And as far as the Brooke Shields thing is, look. You gotta understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I-- I think here's a-- a-- a wonderful and talented woman. And-- I wanna see her do well. And I know that-- psychiatry is-- is a pseudo science.
MATT LAUER: But-- but Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressant or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?
TOM CRUISE: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people (PH), okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol (PH) is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?
MATT LAUER: The difference is--
(OVERTALK)
TOM CRUISE: No, no, Matt.
MATT LAUER: This wasn't against her will, though.
TOM CRUISE: Matt-- Matt, Matt, Matt--
MATT LAUER: But this wasn't against her will.
TOM CRUISE: Matt, I'm-- Matt, I'm asking you a question.
MATT LAUER: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
TOM CRUISE: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.
MATT LAUER: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?
TOM CRUISE: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
(OVERTALK)
MATT LAUER: So, postpartum depression to you is--
TOM CRUISE: Matt--
MATT LAUER: --kind of a--
TOM CRUISE: --don't--
MATT LAUER: --little psychological gook--
TOM CRUISE: That--
MATT LAUER: --googley-gook?
TOM CRUISE: --no. No. I did not say that.
MATT LAUER: I'm just asking what you-- what would you call it?
TOM CRUISE: No. No. Abs-- Matt, that is-- the-- post-- now-- now, you're talking about two different things.
MATT LAUER: But that's what she went on the--
TOM CRUISE: No.
MATT LAUER: --antidepressant for.
TOM CRUISE: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.
MATT LAUER: But a little bit what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.
TOM CRUISE: No, no, I'm not.
MATT LAUER: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?
TOM CRUISE: I-- I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that promoting for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?
MATT LAUER: No. You absolutely can.
TOM CRUISE: I know. But-- but Matt, you're going in and saying that-- that I can't discuss this.
MATT LAUER: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that-- do-- do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock--
TOM CRUISE: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.
MATT LAUER: I'm just saying. But-- but aren't there--
TOM CRUISE: Matt.
MATT LAUER: --examples where it works?
TOM CRUISE: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even-- you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay. That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's-- where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?
MATT LAUER: You're-- you're-- it's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And-- and you know the subject.
TOM CRUISE: And you should.
MATT LAUER: And-- and--
TOM CRUISE: And you should do that also.
MATT LAUER: And--
TOM CRUISE: Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really--
MATT LAUER: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking--
TOM CRUISE: Well--
MATT LAUER: --anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying--
(OVERTALK)
TOM CRUISE: Well, you are. You're saying--
MATT LAUER: I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.
TOM CRUISE: I-- but you're saying-- but you-- like-- this is a very important issue.
MATT LAUER: I couldn't agree more.
TOM CRUISE: It's very-- and you know what? You're here on the Today Show.
MATT LAUER: Right.
TOM CRUISE: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.
MATT LAUER: But--
TOM CRUISE: Because you-- you communicate to people.
MATT LAUER: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.
TOM CRUISE: What do you mean by that?
MATT LAUER: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you I've lived with these people and they're better.
TOM CRUISE: So, you're-- you're advocating it.
MATT LAUER: I am not. I'm telling you in their case-- (LAUGHTER)
(OVERTALK)
MATT LAUER: In their individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say--
TOM CRUISE: Matt--
MATT LAUER: --"Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all--
TOM CRUISE: Matt, Matt.
MATT LAUER: --and the end-all."
TOM CRUISE: Matt, but here's the point. what is the ideal scene for life
TOM CRUISE: Okay. Ideal scene is someone not having to take anti-psychotic drugs.
MATT LAUER: I would agree.
TOM CRUISE: Okay. So, now you look at-- and you go okay. A-- a departure from that ideal scene is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?
MATT LAUER: Let me take this more general, 'cause I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And i respect your opinion ...
MATT LAUER: Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Is that-- would that be a goal of yours?
TOM CRUISE: You know what? I-- absolutely. Of course, you know. And people--
MATT LAUER: How do you go about that?
TOM CRUISE: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's-- okay, if I wanna know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can-- I can come to an opinion based on-- on the information that I have.
MATT LAUER: You-- you're so passionate about it. And I'm--
TOM CRUISE: I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life, Matt.
END OF INTERVIEW
There's no telling how successful this War Of The Worlds film will be. The one guarantee is that the star that is Cruise's career, much like his reputation, will never burn as bright. The sad thing is, Cruise doesn't realize the more he talks, the more damage he does to himself. Maybe the universal rule of movie theatres is something that Cruise should observe rather than the scriptures of his Scientology - Silence Is Golden.